Blended families face challenges and complexities in finding a way to leave assets to their spouses, stepchildren, children from  previous  marriages,  ex-spouses,  and  other  various people who become “family” when two existing families are combined.

A particularly painful, often overlooked, problem for blended families is:  if you remarry, where are you buried after  you  pass  away?   Will  your  children  reunite  you with your first spouse?  Or will your second spouse bury you in a new  plot  where  he  or  she  will  join  you  in  the  future? Whichever  the answer,  there  is a high probability  there will be a fight about it!

Even the Kennedys Have This Problem.

Jacqueline  Kennedy  Onassis  is  buried  next  to  John  F. Kennedy,  not  Aristotle  Onassis.  Writer  Jack  Kerouac remains buried by his third wife, but only after his daughter from his second marriage lost her fight to disinherit him. Seem a little extreme?  Some funeral directors claim fights such as this occur at least once a week. Over 40% of marriages  today have  a  spouse who has been previously married.

In a recent situation, a son was fighting with his  father’s new  spouse  about whether  to bury his dad next  to  his  deceased  mother,  or  in  a  plot  where  his  new stepmother  would  one  day  rest  beside  him.  In Michigan, where  this  case  occurred,  the  law  lets  the  current  spouse make the burial decisions, so the stepmother won.  However, the funeral director informed  the son that once his step mom passes  away,  he  becomes  his  father’s  next  of  kin  and  can legally disinter him  and move  the body.

The  son promptly told his stepmother that she could bury his dad wherever she likes,  but  he  will  move  the  body  as  soon  as  she dies. Realizing her  loss of control,  the  stepmom agreed  to  let her husband be buried next to his first wife, and refused to attend the  funeral.   This  example  shows how  complicated blended family issues can become.

The Law Preempts?

Even  people  who  write  down  burial  instructions  can  get foiled by  the  law. The  surviving  spouse  is  allowed  to make the burial decision in 60% of states.  Some states have passed laws  to  allow written  burial  instructions  by  the  decedent  to prevail.  Illinois  and  Kansas  let  you  designate  someone  to make your funeral arrangements for you.  This was partially in  response  to  situations where gay  lifetime partners had no legal ability to influence funeral arrangements.

To complicate matters, religious beliefs can also direct burial arrangements.  For example, the  Jewish  custom  is  that  if  a  deceased person does not leave any instructions, they should be buried with the person with whom they had children.

To some, being buried in a military cemetery carries great prestige  and honor. The  family of  a veteran  is  allowed  to be  buried  in  the  cemetery;  however,  if  the  veteran remarries, the first spouse may lose that right even if his or her children are buried there.

A Growing Issue

As the number of blended families continues to grow, this issue  will  become  more  and  more  common  and  will continue  to  tear  families  apart.  Some  current  suggestions from  funeral  directors  are:

Cremation, which  enables  the deceased’s  remains  to  be  divided  between  spouses  and children;

Have the new spouse purchase a burial plot in the same vicinity as the deceased and his/her previous spouse;

Leave  written  instructions  (though  not  always  legally binding,  the  families will often  adhere  to  them).

Dealing with these  often  overlooked  issues  in  a  thoughtful  and  caring way  will  enable  blended  families  to  think  them  through before  they  result  in  hurtful  confrontations.